Living and Loving Fiercely by Ellie Wilde
So, I’ve been on this journey of self discovery a while. I was always a spiritual warrior really but the journey of digging deeply into my wounds and re-patterning some unhealthy behaviours was awoken ferociously at the birth of my son nearly 15 years ago.
I remember looking at him as he lay innocently in his car seat and vowing to sort my shit out so that I could try to be the best guide for him as his Mother. My love for him was what ignited this path of seeking, I became determined to move beyond my self-doubt and insecurities and be a better example for him.
I guess the early part of my journey was more about discovering who I was beyond the body. I wanted to connect with spirit, with source, with whatever god damn thing it was that created us all. I found healing in that, and i also tried to find answers to what the fuck we were all doing here…I guess I was looking down the rabbit whole and trying to navigate the meaning of life!…
When I first started on this path it became about enlightenment, I was determined to find the secrets of awakening. I wanted to feel the love from within, to feel complete and whole. I had many amazing spiritual experiences and visions, met many healers, released, expressed, reconnected to parts that I had lost, journeyed through different past lives, connected with galactic star beings and ascended masters, but still somehow my relationships and intimate life was still a mess. I so needed love, approval affection from the outside. I needed it like a fish needs water, I felt alone, desperate and in need without an intimate partner. I didn't want to admit it, but I did.
Fast forward a few more years, and more personal development work, I had learned to clear my energy, raise my vibration, I was learning to source love from within slowly, but still I lacked power and was easily knocked off centre, especially by my emotional body.
Fast forward a few more years, and things are still disappointing in the relationship arena, I hit rock bottom, what is all this self improvement work about? I felt so bad I did something really radical and went to what i thought was a Tantra Retreat in order to reconnect to myself, and heal from my last relationship, I was shitting myself, but I was desperate enough to feel the fear and do it anyway.
The tantra retreat was an level 1 ISTA training - The Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience, (more of an empowerment journey than a tantra retreat, with an emphasis on sexual healing) things radically improve from here on in. This training leads to other trainings in this arena, I quickly discover how closely linked sexuality is to personal power, freedom and self esteem. I learn to become my own master, authentic whole and fully responsible for my own happiness. I am a free spirit.
And after moving through this arena for several years there is another level I can go to……
There is still a feeling of dissatisfaction, I am not completely free.
There are all sorts of things I have learned, I have learned how to clear and move my energy, I can be whole and complete within myself to a point, and yet there is still a yearning.
My precious self that I have worked so hard to master suddenly feels like it isn't enough, there is a deeper place I can go, I know, frustrated and tired of emptying it all out, of digging deeper, of processing, and this need for self improvement, I give up!
This knowing that nothing outside of myself will fulfil me, nor anything from myself, I surrender into the abyss the descent into total oblivion and this opens me up to grace.
(This is what the ISTA level 2 Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Initiation is all about by the way, that I just finished teaching on in Sweden.)
So here I am in the abyss having given up, without looking , without trying, a spontaneous force of life wells up in me, it is the same force that beats my heart, that mysterious force that moves my thoughts, that witnesses my dreams at night. I have realised the futility of allowing my life to be sourced from others, and even from the well within myself, now I am open to being lived by another force, the force of truth, the force that has always lived me, that is living me now.
This is what living from the empty centre is, sourcing life from the void, moving beyond our personalised identity or even identity as a soul, sourcing life from beyond that bringing it through the dimensions of the soul and into our personal world. Sound interesting? The level 1 ISTA training is a journey of empowerment in relation to the personal self, the level 2 goes deeply beyond this and is a radical shamanic death and re-birth process, I highly recommend it for those of you who have completed and integrated the level 1 journey!
So back to the void, to the empty centre, this force of life from the empty centre is also expressed as love, I have realised I cannot source my love from another, from the outside, but now I see too that I cannot source it through self love either. A bigger love wants to move in me, as me, and I open up to the force of love itself.
Whatever you want to call this impulse this force of life and love, it is the force of existence itself. It is a the unmediated, direct flow- feeling of being. It is who I am and who you are still when everything else fails us, it is the one constant force of consciousness that is with me or you through all of our experiences, it is the one constant flow of love that is always there, no matter who or what is the object of our attention or desires, and who we express our love to.
So back to me and this abyss, this moment of giving up....
In the futility of my crisis I realise that my inner and my outer world is beyond my control, and a death of something in me is inevitable in this place. So I do the only thing I can do and that is to surrender, surrendering all internal and external experiences into the one force thats creates and dissolves all experience.
And I am rested in this force of love, as this force of love.
And every time I feel myself wish to connect back into that old way of being, of either depending on the inner of the outer to be a certain way in order to feel ok, I simply open the door to this love, through my awareness, feeling into the unknown which is guiding me, surrendering to the mystery that is moving not only me but the entire universe.
Feeling into my yearning as the desire to merge more fully with this force, allowing it to take me, to open me, to soften me with humility.
Through doing this I am free in my capacity to love and be loved.
No longer am I hoping for more love, or trying to fill my own cup. I am opening as love itself. Life is loving me.
Early in my journey I would do anything for love, to get love, then it became about having to value and love myself, to love myself enough to have clear boundaries, this was a much needed step in my journey but now it is simply feeling into the way love and life is wanting to move me, no matter the outcome and being authentic to that.
There is an impulse that is opening in me that wants to love without the story, it feels simpler actually.
When I look back at my relational life so much suffering was caused by being attached to a certain story. Things needed to look or feel a certain way for it to be ok. How much of the pain I suffered was i causing myself, through being attached to the story i had about love?
What if I was to just throw the story out and simply be with what is there?
So that is what I’m doing.
I am taking off my armour because that’s what the story is, an armouring that I am hoping will somehow keep me safe and prevent me from being hurt.
And as a result to be honest it feels like life is loving me a whole lot more.
So much of our conditioning around love comes from fairytales and movies and books and songs, its like we have been brain washed to want it a certain way, we are taught to cling to a story of love that will somehow keep us safe so that we can live happily ever after.
But most of us know that isn’t love… love in it’s purest form can’t be put in a box, be given a script and a label and told that certain behaviours are ok and others are not.
Isn’t that what most relationships become?
Is that love?
Love without the story
Can I do it?
Am I brave, silly, wild and crazy enough, no but I’ve had enough of doing it the other way?
I’ll have nothing to cling to except the moment, and maybe not even that!
Can I bring freedom to its knees with so much love and respect? can I commit to never giving my power away again in the name of so called “love’ which is actually not love but a clinging to some storyline, some plot that I learnt from childhood and hoped was true?
Even polyamory is a story, a label, masquerading as freedom and monogamy among some considered a deeper path of relating.
What if I just threw all of that out of the window and committed deeply to letting the voice of love inside direct me.
How will I know which voice is love?
Love is the beckoning whisper that throws caution to the wind is a surrender to all that is
Love is never giving up but sometimes walking away
Love is a quiet endurance and also sometimes saying “thats enough!
Love is doing what needs to be done even when it hurts, love is also the most excruciating and intoxicating pleasure
Love is caring about someone so deeply...... it’s as if they are you!
Love is crying tears for another pain and howling with pleasure at another’s victory
We all know what love is, and what love isn't and so much of it has so little to do with the story…..
So I challenge you if this resonates to love without a story, no holding back, no playing games, keeping cards close to the chest, to risk it all in the name of true love, for people loving this way will save us…thats a very dramatic thing to say I know…..and let me know how you get on?
We can compare notes … hehehehe
by Ellie Wilde