Lenerd´s journey on experiencing celibacy
So ... I had been celibate over the last two years, for long extended periods, with some sexual connection happening but in essence even that fell into the broad celibacy theme of this two year period ... Yip, I can hear my South African friends saying: "No ways!" And I can't blame them actually ...my preceding five years in Cape Town was crazy and "off the chart" to say the least! Most fascinating and important about this is that there was nothing forced or at all decided by the mind to be celibate ... I just listened to some kind of inner voice ... a strong voice! ... and the message was crystal clear! ... "No, not now!"
Now, in the beginning it was damn confusing ... remember, I spent most of last year travelling South and Central America ... Not staying in expensive hotels with old boring complaining folk ... but staying in hostels with beautiful gorgeous young free women running around everywhere. "Fok!" ...as we say in Afrikaans... It was weird... I would start interacting with them, because the body was ready, no hesitation in that part of the body but then as soon as it started to move in the direction of any potential sexual contact I would totally withdraw emotionally and then physically, leaving some really confused women in the wake. The inner voice was so strong, strict and decisive that I could not ignore it even if I wanted to.
Was this my soul speaking?
It took me time and some wonderful learning opportunities along the way to start realizing what was happening. My masculine was clear when aroused ... Penetrate! But my inner feminine was also clear ... No, honour me first, get to know me first, before always looking towards the outside feminine ..."For God's sake, haven't you fucked enough women?" I never even knew I had an inner feminine! And it's so obvious actually! I started to realize ...the soul is not gender specific...so whether born into a man or woman body you will have the characteristics of both. I decided to start listening and feeling into this part of me...it was a journey out of the masculine mind into the heart and gut and emotions. Wow, roller coaster ride!
Over the last few months I have been transitioning slowly out of celibacy ... I have been kind to myself...not rushing it. Not forcing anything in either direction. Interacting slowly very selectively with the outside feminine from an inner more integrated place with much greater awareness. And now the starting point of the connection is different. I don't NEED it anymore, I may WANT it, but there is no need to look for anything out of myself...it's all inside me. No outside feminine is going to complete me. No one can complete you. "That" song and the Hollywood movies are all absolute nonsense. The completeness is only attainable within you.
On the funny side ... In the two year period. I every now and then had this thought popping up, wondering if the saying is true: "If you don't use it, you lose it" Well, luckily I haven't lost it. And I am getting quickly back into my sexual flow. Wow, how wonderful to have the sexual energy running in the body again...daily...a few times a day! Hell yeah...I feel so alive! If we can get everyone in the world to make love at least once a day, why the hell would we want to kill each other? ... It would not make sense to anyone anymore. If we can lift all the negative conditioning, shame and guilt around sex and help people to heal sexually by starting to help them with the integration within themselves. Maybe we should try to make that happen?
It's so simple...and it's fun!